Regardless

My heart aches today. For unrealistic things. Things that even if you were here, probably wouldn't be ideal. I don't know why I yearn for them, but I do and desperately. 

I wish my child would know you here and you them. If wishes were fishes we'd all have a bowl full. Before we even knew we were having a child, I cried over the idea that you wouldn't be there. That they would grow up never knowing you. Which I know in reality, even if you were here, would probably be the case. I guess I like trying to make what would have been different than it was. 


Jam and I took a day to remember you. We drove and drove to the place we used to fish and eat beef jerky. It was a beautiful sunny day and my red car got covered in dust. We stepped out of my car to remember that place. Breathe it in, and visualize what it once was, and what is used to be to the both of us. Different in our own memories. It was the first time, I felt at peace with everything and a peace that I try to go back to when I feel like its chaos. 

My car was covered in dust. We are not sure how or even a why, but in random places along my car was this hand. We placed our hand next to it to compare. My picture doesn't do it justice, but the grooves and crevasses of an imprint were all to visible. It journeyed with us home, where the rest of the dust on my car did not. Like I had mentioned, I felt peaceful at this moment and place. The same peace we felt when we picked you up from the mortuary. A peace where we knew this was the right thing to do.

Sometimes, I get lost in the what if's of you. Mainly, my heart aches for that word my children will never call you...

I know what my Papa means to me, and I wish that even if you were still here you would be that. I know, that regardless you wouldn't. Though, that doesn't mean I still didn't want it. I know I yearn for something that wouldn't be even if, but I'm only human and wish for some of the things I don't have. You.

I'm sad that my growing child wont know you, regardless. I'm sad that my child might call someone else Grandpa, regardless. My heart aches, regardless. Dad, I miss you regardless. Even though you aren't here anymore, I pray for you, regardless.